This process is not easy. There are constant decisions and constant choices to be made. It's not all roses and confetti. And it's hard to be happy and positive and energetic all the time. Especially when you are malnourished.
I was bored this weekend and decided to go to my sister's house. I spent Saturday night there and I was just not prepared for the exhaustion that was going to take over my every molecule. Literally.
I had an OK day Saturday... I got some Wendy's chili (I am officially sick of it) on the way to Jamie's. I ate that most of the day. We decided to run out to Hobby Lobby for some additional craft stuff for a project that we took on that, of course, turned out to be a lot more difficult than it seemed (thank you, Pinterest). By the time we made it to Walmart for ingredients for the dinner we had planned, I was at the point of no return. I was dizzy, nauseous, sweaty, faint, dizzy, nauseous, shaky, dizzy, and did I mention nauseous?
We made it home and I chowed down on 1/2 a banana. Jamie commenced to cooking my dad's recipe of Chicken Casserole (this stuff is amazingly good). I had previously had all the ingredients, sans one... sour cream. We got the light version of sour cream. One of two things happened... I either ate too much too fast (I was feeling starved)... or I cannot tolerate sour cream. Because the dumping syndrome ensued. It came on with a vengeance. I never had the diarrhea, but I had the vomiting, the dry heaving, the horrible cramping, cold sweats, etc. It was not pretty. This was the first official time I've had this... and I can tell you I don't want to have it again. Ever. Sour cream is something that most WLS folks can handle, so I'm not sure what the outcome of that will be.
That night, I didn't sleep well... I ended up sleeping in the recliner because I just could not get comfortable otherwise. I used the heating pad on my stomach and finally around 6 AM went to the bedroom and crawled into bed. I slept like a log until after 10. I didn't eat much that morning... just couldn't seem to stomach anything and was a little gun-shy from the night before.
We decided to go to the Train Station to take pictures of the kids. We picked out outfits and got them ready. We stopped on the way to get something to eat. The kids got McD's and Jamie and I got El Tapatio. I can have refried beans and chicken, so I got my usual quesadilla with a side of beans. It was so good. I ended up eating 3 servings of it (my size servings). We got some great shots at the Train Station and headed back to Jamie's. I was wiped out. I just didn't even want to drive home. I knew I needed to get myself together and get home so I could rest in my own environment.
Monday was worse. I woke up with a migraine, weak, dizzy, needing nutrition. I just couldn't seem to get things under control. I still can't drink protein shakes and I knew I wasn't getting enough protein. I needed to go to the grocery store, but I did not have the energy or the motivation. I knew I could get there and probably could get out of the store, but unloading the car was out of the question, much less putting things away. So I didn't get much down on Monday. I tried, but it just didn't work for me.
Tuesday, a friend came from RMT to help me. She drove me to my doc's office in Cary to pick up my doctor's note for jury duty. Then we got some Mexican, because I know I can eat it. I sat there and stared down the tortilla chips. I never ate one. We just had a staring contest... I won :). Then she took me to Walmart. I had a list... it seemed to grow. I drove the scooter (yep, I did... I ain't too proud) and she followed me around with a cart. It was insane. I bought tuna, beans, eggs, eggs, cheese, lots and lots of cheese, chicken, fish... if it had protein it went in my cart. It got to the point where I was getting dizzy on the scooter.
We got back to my house and filled up all counter space with bags and bags of groceries. We ran out of counter space. Which means I have no where to put a lot of this stuff! I got all of the perishables put away and then I had to take a nap. It was draining.
I got up that evening and had some tuna. The pre-mixed lemon pepper is delish... and I can eat the whole pouch and get 18g of protein. It was just what I needed. I immediately started feeling better. Funny how that works, huh? Reminded me of the day in NYC when I was protein deprived and stopped at Trump Tower for a chicken breast. It was the best chicken breast I've ever eaten... even if it cost me $12. :)
Today, I got up and had some cereal. We can have cereal that gets mushy quickly. Rice Krispies are my choice right now. They have a tiny bit of protein in them, but the milk packs about 8g of protein. I love cereal. I really love Honey Nut Cheerios, but they have too much sugar. I could have regular Cheerios, but the Rice Krispies will last me a while. Then I had tuna for a mid-morning snack. It did me a world of good. I had a banana later this afternoon and a piece of cheese. And this afternoon, I made these mini quiche bites that I have been drooling over on this blog. They are pretty amazing. I did get a bit of indigestion from the egg (like I did with the scrambled eggs), but they were good. And filling. I had 3 and then an hour later had 3 more. They are very good. I made 2 batches (the others were pizza bites). I like them both equally. They probably could have used more seasoning. I went a little light on some of it because it seemed like an awful lot in both recipes, but it seems the egg soaks it up.
The depression over the past few days was rough. I've finally climbed out of that black hole... it was dark down there. I went through all sorts of things... feelings of failure, feelings of regret, feelings of just plain desperation... I cried and cried and cried. Today has been much better.
I thought I would say "I'm turning the corner", but it occurs to me I've said that before. I think the worst is definitely behind me... but I think I've got a lot of obstacles ahead. It is going to be a daily battle to keep the protein levels up and the feelings of failure at bay. I will keep on keepin' on. I will do what it takes to make this work. I have to. I don't have a choice.
Sorry this is such a long post... and not quite as light-hearted as usual.
For now,
Kell
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| Pizza Bites on the left, Bacon & Swiss on the wright |
